Tonight is the opening night of Three Decembers at Winnipeg’s Little Opera Company and this past week has been a rollercoaster of doubt, fear, excitement, triumph, beauty, ugliness (especially my own thoughts and self-talk) and self-reflection. I’ve come up against all the demons of my past, the ones that cause me to retreat in fear, close my throat and heart and chastise myself for not being perfect. Despite the fact that I guide young singers away from this kind of defeatism (nihilism!), I find myself being as much a victim of it as anyone else. Such a long journey!
In any case, I’ve decided to walk my own talk, and rather than running to the ENT to have my vocal folds scoped (because: why?), I am simply investing in my mental practice–all the tools that I have gleaned over the years and passed on to countless students. I’ve reached out to all the good people in my life who support me, and they’ve given me so much back. One of the most beautiful offerings came from my friend Renée, who said to me: “Come back to your awesome knowing, Kim. This is where magic happens. And you have magic. Seriously.” And I thought of all this knowing that has come from so many years of artistic and vocal struggle, and how much I want to run away from it and look for the source of my strength elsewhere.
Thus, I returned to the wisdom of Joseph Campbell, whose words have been sometimes falsely attributed to Yoda (!) (sidebar: apparently Joseph Campbell was a consultant to George Lucas on Star Wars for Jedi wisdom). He says: The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.
I’ve thought about what the cave I fear to enter is. And I think it’s my heart. I fear to open my heart and simply sing and act from that place because it feels so scary and out of control. And yet, softening away from that closing is where the true magic lies, both in my presence on the stage and in my vocalism. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter that all the notes sound perfect, but that I show up and tell the story without fear. This opera is so much about people not being able to communicate truthfully and hurting one another because of it. And as far as I can tell, being open, honest and also willing to listen to and hold the pain and truth of others is the true essence of human connection. Let us enter that cave. And find some treasure.